Fish plus chips plus batter plus sauce equals a good feed

"So," I say to make conversation (strange, since the person I am conversationalizing with speaketh only ancient Gaelic) "I guess we'd better get to the kingdom, and give the dirty old elves what's coming to them!"
Melvin nods enthusiastically, and gives a thumbs up.
I look around. There are Badlands in every direction.
"Melvin," I ask politely, "Do you know the way out of here?"
Melvin looks at me perplexedly, and rambles something incoherent, before turning around and walking off in a random direction.

* * * * * * * * * *

Three hours and thirty-seven minutes later (I time it, seeing as I have nothing better to do) we are still in the badlands. They all look the same. Melvin has given up looking and is sitting on a toadstool looking depressed. I am sitting on a toadcouch, because I asked if I could use it and the toads said it was ok, and it looked far more comfortable than the stool Melvin chose.
We sit in silence.
A long way off, some man-eating anteaters crest a ridge. "Goshdarnit!" I curse non-offensively; "Those eaters never give us a break!"
The beasties run towards us. "Quick!" I say to Melvin. "Find somewhere to hide!"
Melvin runs into the toadgarage. I follow him.
An unusual sight greets my eyes. The garage is full of green, leafy plants and there are toadstools all over the floor. In the corner a girl is tied up, and gagged. Melvin and I rush to untie her.
"Are you ok?" I ask, "Why were you tied up?"
"The toads are drug dealers. My name is Trixie Hobbets, P.I, and I was just about to report back to Headquarters when they nabbed me." The girl explains in a policewoman style voice (quite butch and manly, if you know what I mean. Kind of like Anna-Lucia from Lost.)
"We'd better get out of here!" I state obviously, "And fast!"
We turn to leave. Unfortunately, the way we came in is blocked by angry looking toads wearing frogman suits (Ha! I'm so clever!) and armed with spearguns. Drat.

PC - NC