Chapter 27 + 1 - 1 : Improbability Driver

“Merv/Eric” I yelled, “Let her go! You’ll never take me alive! Don’t run with scissors!!”
Merv/Eric paused from his gun-pointing-ness and evil-laughter-thon, and turned to look at me.
“Actually,” he said, in a revelatory fashion, “My name isn’t Merv/Eric at all! Its…” and here he removed his mask - causing every other character to gasp in amazement - , “George Bush Jr., leader of the free world!”
I was stunned like a mullet - and almost as hairy.
“President Bush???” I gurgled in shock, “What are you doing here? I didn‘t even realise this story was based in America!”
George snorted in contempt.
“Snort! Don’t you know? Being President* may be an amazing career option, but it doesn’t allow me ample room to enjoy my evil-hench-man hobby, so I work behind the scenes for Big Mack. And, by the way, I don’t think this story is based in America, but you never know, and it doesn’t really matter, because when a story is written down like this one no-one can hear our accents anyway.”
“But, but, but…” I stammered, completely at a loss for words (except apparently the word ‘but’).
“But why?” Ciola finished for me, seeing my predicament.
“Aaah, you wish I would tell you, don’t you?” Georgie gloated, “But lesson 101 in ‘How to be an Evil Henchman’ is “Always…. No, wait… Never answer the question ‘But why?’”
“But why?” Ciola asked innocently.
“Its very simple,” George began, “You see - aah, wait. Nice try, little lady. You almost got me there.”
He laughed loudly, and slapped Ciola on the shoulder in a friendly fashion.
I decided the time had come to act.
“Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo?”
Well, okay, it might not have been the most appropriate scene in the world for this particular audience, but it was the best I could do on such short notice.
George seemed impressed.
“I’m impressed,” he muttered, “At high school the only part I got in the school play was as a tree, and even then I forgot my lines.”
Now George stopped pointing the gun at Ciola, and turned it on me.
I couldn’t help but notice the letters WoMD written on the gun, and pointed them out.
“WoMD? What the heck is WoMD?”
“Its my Weapon of Mass Destruction” George gloated once more, “Quite effective at destroying mass. Lets see how well it can destroy your mass!”
He pointed the WoMD at me and pulled the trigger.
There was a blinding flash…

…and then nothing happened.
“Dang,” George muttered, “I forgot the batteries again.”
He looked up at me.
“You don’t happen to have a couple of AA’s on you, do you?”
I rummaged in my pocket.
“Uh, yeah, I think so. Do you want rechargeable?”
“Oh, ok. That‘d be good. Oooh, and do you have lithium ones?”
“No, sorry, but I can give you the choice between red and blue coatings.”
George grimaced, “Ugh, not blue thanks. Go red all the way! Republicans rule!”
I threw him the red AA’s, and he quickly put them into the gun.
“Thanks for that.”
“No problem.”
“Now, where was I?” George muttered. “Oh yes, Weapon of Mass Destruction.”
He pointed the WoMD at me and pulled the trigger.
There was a blinding flash….

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* Actually, the person in question was not George Bush Jr., President of America. Rather he was George Bush Jr., President of “Big Jim Bush's Staple and Thumb-tack Suppliers Associated, Mississippi Branch.” He just liked to impersonate his more famous name-sake on occasions such as this to feel more important. No offence intended to President Bush.