Shakespeare in Love

Nicholas wasn’t an idiot, (as we have already discussed, he was in fact a nerd, but quite an intelligent nerd) and as Sally ran slow-motion towards him, arms outstretched and a look of radiant happiness on her face, similar to that shown by Kirsten Dunst as Mary-Jane in Spiderman 2 when she runs across the square in a wedding dress (not to give away too much plot of that exciting movie – this chapter paid for by the ‘We Love Spiderman 2 Society’) he knew that Biff was likely to biff him quite severely – but he was also quite smitten, and as shy, retiring artistic types-slash-nerdy puny weakling types often do in these situations, he decided to throw caution to the wind like an old pair of socks, and do the one thing he knew of that was bound to impress his new-found girl.
And that one thing was to quote Shakespeare.

Yes, Nicholas had often visited the good people at www-tech.mit.edu/Shakespeare/works.html, and had memorized the Complete Works one afternoon whilst waiting for an antivirus update to download. Now he pulled out his favourite ‘Alls Well that Ends Well’ quote:

Lustig, as the Dutchman says: I'll like a maid the

better, whilst I have a tooth in my head: why, he's

able to lead her a coranto.

Sally paused. She wasn’t smart at the best of times, and this was not the best of times.
Nicholas floundered, realizing he had said something wrong. He searched his memory banks for another quote.
What about Macbeth? It was a popular play.

Have I not reason, beldams as you are,

Saucy and overbold? How did you dare

To trade and traffic with Macbeth

In riddles and affairs of death;

And I, the mistress of your charms,

The close contriver of all harms,

Was never call'd to bear my part,

Or show the glory of our art?

There was a glazed look slowly spreading across Sally’s already mostly glazed expression. It looked like honey.
Nicholas panicked! It wasn’t working!!! What could he do???
Of course! Romeo and Juliet! The greatest love story of all time! Surely that would have to have an effect!!!

The clock struck nine when I did send the nurse;

In half an hour she promised to return.

Perchance she cannot meet him: that's not so.

O, she is lame! love's heralds should be thoughts,

Which ten times faster glide than the sun's beams,

Driving back shadows over louring hills:

Therefore do nimble-pinion'd doves draw love,

And therefore hath the wind-swift Cupid wings.

Now is the sun upon the highmost hill

Of this day's journey, and from nine till twelve

Is three long hours, yet she is not come.

Had she affections and warm youthful blood,

She would be as swift in motion as a ball;

My words would bandy her to my sweet love,

And his to me:

But old folks, many feign as they were dead;

Unwieldy, slow, heavy and pale as lead.

O God, she comes!

It did have an effect, although perhaps not the one Nicholas had been hoping for.
Screaming incoherently, Sally began flailing her arms, ran three laps around both Biff and Nicholas, and vanished into the house, so distraught that she even forgot to use the door.
Nicholas and Biff, worry for their love temporarily overcoming their animosity towards each other, quickly followed, climbing carefully in through the Sally-shaped hole in the wall and into her house.

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