Mental
Rule Number 21 in the Q Dimension: Velcro is a crime against humanity
Martin Schpitowski, the professional cleaner who spent approximately one sixth (give or take, he was known to take the occasional Friday off) of his time as a cleaner working for E. Ville Genius & Associates, had woken late that day. Not that it really mattered to anyone, he lived alone and didn't start work till after dark, when the various evil lairs, laboratories, hideouts, nooks, and crannies (the crannies were particularly evil) were empty - for of course, no villain in Q Dimension ever worked ar night, for fear of Chuck Norris and his roundhouse kicks of doom.
He spent his day reading the paper, eating toast, and calling talkback radio hosts so he could give an uninformed opinion about some current event, and argue with other old people, most of whom he knew from the Old Country. (Which must never be confused with the New Country, the Second-Hand Country, or the Country That Used To Be New But Is Now Sort Of Old).
5 o'clock came, and it was time to go to work.
He jumped in his late model beige Daihatsu Sirion (with CD player) and headed towards Ernie's lair. He stopped at the red light at the traffic lights in town and waved at his old friend Martin Johnson, the local greengrocer who also did deliveries after 5 and had the contract for the evil lair - in fact, Schpitowski thought he might have had a delivery to do their that night, he remembered him saying something about it at bingo?
The light turned green, and Schpitowski lost his train of thought (though it eventually docked in Scranton) and slowly accelerated forward (as if in a Sirion you could ever do anything not slowly!).
On the way out the the lair, Martin drove past the Steinhoffenburger quarry, where the famous former astrophysicist Martin Steinhoffenburger was currently working as loader driver, after a momumental burnout at the university, which resulted in him resigning his research post as Professor of Black Holes and Revelations and becoming a loader driver for his old man - a much less stressful profession.
Schpitowski arrived at the lair. There was a weird rushing noise going on inside. He poked his head around the open door and saw a man planking in mid air, while hanging off a door frame! Epic plank as! He quickly got out his iPhone and uploaded the pic to Facebook. Viral = Very Yes!
He went back to his car to get his vacuum cleaner, and while he was pulling it out of the boot, Martin Johnson pulled up in his van with a load of vegetables for the lair kitchen (evil geniuses like dessert, you see, so they always eat their vegetables). "Hi Martin!" He greeted his Old Friend from the Old Country. "Martin!" Martin replied. "So good to see you! How's your new granddaughter!" The two Old Friends proceeded to chat about granddaughters, nappies, binkies, blankies, and other baby related things for the next few minutes. Eventually they decided they should do some work, and Johnson headed for the door.
"Hey Johnson!" Schpitowski called. "Check out the sweet plank going on in there! But don't even think of pxting that to your profile - way ahead of you there ya n00b!"
Johnson sighed. He had no idea what Schpitowski was talking about - in fact he understood nothing at all of what he had just said. He didn't have an iPhone, or Facebook, and to him a plank was something used by pirates as a primitive execution method, because as everyone knows, pirates can't swim.
He had a look inside the lair, and saw exactly what his fellow Martin had seen five minutes earlier. But he also heard something too...
"Oh no! I’ve got to get out of here. I hate Full House.
Roger, is that you?
I like my name.
MAAAAARTIN!!!
ROGER? You’re here too?"
He stepped back outside. "Martin! They're calling for Martin!"
Schpitowski's brow furrowed in confusion. "But which Martin?" He quizzed.
"Well, clearly that astrophysicist from the quarry - I mean, there's a Black Hole in that closet and he's the preeminent expert on such things."
"Oh, yeah."
"I'll give him a call."
Martin quickly called Martin on Martin's iPhone (which was already going crazy due to Facebook notifications alerting him to the success of his latest pic. Million hits baby!)
"Great, he'll be here in 5 minutes."
5 minutes pass awfully quickly when you're waiting for someone to come and fix a Black Hole in your closet. (As so many of our readers will attest to.)
Steinhoffenburger arrived, still driving the loader. He jumped down from the steps to the ground (unsafe practice, do not try this at home - cos of course you have a loader at your place) and greeted his fellow Martins.
"Doc Martin!" The other two replied respectfully.
"Oh, please." Doc Martin deadpanned. "I'm not a Doc any more, I'm just a grunt at the quarry. But a pleasure to be of service, old chaps. Let's step inside and see what needs to be done."
The three Martins entered the lair, all of them quickly grabbing one another to avoid being sucked into the vortex/cupboard. Johnson grabbed the doorframe as well, so they had something to anchor to.
"WELL," Doc Martin shouted above the noise, "THIS THING HAS TO BE POWERED SOMEHOW, SO IF WE JUST FIND THE POWER SOURCE, I'M SURE IT WILL SHUT IT DOWN. MARTIN, YOU GO ROUND THE BACK AND SEE IF THERE'S ANYTHING OUT THERE. I'LL CHECK THE BASEMENT, COS GENERALLY EVIL GENIUSES STORE IMPORTANT THINGS THERE. MARTIN, YOU WAIT HERE AND DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID."
The two Martins left. Martin felt a bit jilted by Doc Martin's comment, like seriously, he wasn't that stupid. He knew Black Holes were serious. Stupid Martins and their stupid names. He went outside and grabbed the vacuum cleaner. Might as well do something useful while the other two go off and try to be heroic (after all, heroes in the Q Dimension can change at any time). He found a power source near the door, but there was already something else plugged into it! Oh well, doesn't look like they're using this at the moment. He pulled out the plug.
And suddenly, they were all saved by Martin.
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Martin Schpitowski, the professional cleaner who spent approximately one sixth (give or take, he was known to take the occasional Friday off) of his time as a cleaner working for E. Ville Genius & Associates, had woken late that day. Not that it really mattered to anyone, he lived alone and didn't start work till after dark, when the various evil lairs, laboratories, hideouts, nooks, and crannies (the crannies were particularly evil) were empty - for of course, no villain in Q Dimension ever worked ar night, for fear of Chuck Norris and his roundhouse kicks of doom.
He spent his day reading the paper, eating toast, and calling talkback radio hosts so he could give an uninformed opinion about some current event, and argue with other old people, most of whom he knew from the Old Country. (Which must never be confused with the New Country, the Second-Hand Country, or the Country That Used To Be New But Is Now Sort Of Old).
5 o'clock came, and it was time to go to work.
He jumped in his late model beige Daihatsu Sirion (with CD player) and headed towards Ernie's lair. He stopped at the red light at the traffic lights in town and waved at his old friend Martin Johnson, the local greengrocer who also did deliveries after 5 and had the contract for the evil lair - in fact, Schpitowski thought he might have had a delivery to do their that night, he remembered him saying something about it at bingo?
The light turned green, and Schpitowski lost his train of thought (though it eventually docked in Scranton) and slowly accelerated forward (as if in a Sirion you could ever do anything not slowly!).
On the way out the the lair, Martin drove past the Steinhoffenburger quarry, where the famous former astrophysicist Martin Steinhoffenburger was currently working as loader driver, after a momumental burnout at the university, which resulted in him resigning his research post as Professor of Black Holes and Revelations and becoming a loader driver for his old man - a much less stressful profession.
Schpitowski arrived at the lair. There was a weird rushing noise going on inside. He poked his head around the open door and saw a man planking in mid air, while hanging off a door frame! Epic plank as! He quickly got out his iPhone and uploaded the pic to Facebook. Viral = Very Yes!
He went back to his car to get his vacuum cleaner, and while he was pulling it out of the boot, Martin Johnson pulled up in his van with a load of vegetables for the lair kitchen (evil geniuses like dessert, you see, so they always eat their vegetables). "Hi Martin!" He greeted his Old Friend from the Old Country. "Martin!" Martin replied. "So good to see you! How's your new granddaughter!" The two Old Friends proceeded to chat about granddaughters, nappies, binkies, blankies, and other baby related things for the next few minutes. Eventually they decided they should do some work, and Johnson headed for the door.
"Hey Johnson!" Schpitowski called. "Check out the sweet plank going on in there! But don't even think of pxting that to your profile - way ahead of you there ya n00b!"
Johnson sighed. He had no idea what Schpitowski was talking about - in fact he understood nothing at all of what he had just said. He didn't have an iPhone, or Facebook, and to him a plank was something used by pirates as a primitive execution method, because as everyone knows, pirates can't swim.
He had a look inside the lair, and saw exactly what his fellow Martin had seen five minutes earlier. But he also heard something too...
"Oh no! I’ve got to get out of here. I hate Full House.
Roger, is that you?
I like my name.
MAAAAARTIN!!!
ROGER? You’re here too?"
He stepped back outside. "Martin! They're calling for Martin!"
Schpitowski's brow furrowed in confusion. "But which Martin?" He quizzed.
"Well, clearly that astrophysicist from the quarry - I mean, there's a Black Hole in that closet and he's the preeminent expert on such things."
"Oh, yeah."
"I'll give him a call."
Martin quickly called Martin on Martin's iPhone (which was already going crazy due to Facebook notifications alerting him to the success of his latest pic. Million hits baby!)
"Great, he'll be here in 5 minutes."
5 minutes pass awfully quickly when you're waiting for someone to come and fix a Black Hole in your closet. (As so many of our readers will attest to.)
Steinhoffenburger arrived, still driving the loader. He jumped down from the steps to the ground (unsafe practice, do not try this at home - cos of course you have a loader at your place) and greeted his fellow Martins.
"Doc Martin!" The other two replied respectfully.
"Oh, please." Doc Martin deadpanned. "I'm not a Doc any more, I'm just a grunt at the quarry. But a pleasure to be of service, old chaps. Let's step inside and see what needs to be done."
The three Martins entered the lair, all of them quickly grabbing one another to avoid being sucked into the vortex/cupboard. Johnson grabbed the doorframe as well, so they had something to anchor to.
"WELL," Doc Martin shouted above the noise, "THIS THING HAS TO BE POWERED SOMEHOW, SO IF WE JUST FIND THE POWER SOURCE, I'M SURE IT WILL SHUT IT DOWN. MARTIN, YOU GO ROUND THE BACK AND SEE IF THERE'S ANYTHING OUT THERE. I'LL CHECK THE BASEMENT, COS GENERALLY EVIL GENIUSES STORE IMPORTANT THINGS THERE. MARTIN, YOU WAIT HERE AND DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID."
The two Martins left. Martin felt a bit jilted by Doc Martin's comment, like seriously, he wasn't that stupid. He knew Black Holes were serious. Stupid Martins and their stupid names. He went outside and grabbed the vacuum cleaner. Might as well do something useful while the other two go off and try to be heroic (after all, heroes in the Q Dimension can change at any time). He found a power source near the door, but there was already something else plugged into it! Oh well, doesn't look like they're using this at the moment. He pulled out the plug.
And suddenly, they were all saved by Martin.
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posted by Musings | 5:16 PM
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